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The "Man"

Something has been weighing so heavy on me this morning! I have to let it go! It's time.

I had intercourse for the first time when I was 18 years old, but I had my first orgasm as early as 7 years old...and not by choice.

Growing up, I was told, "Adults are always right." I wouldn't dare question anything an adult did or said! My voice was silenced at an early age.

I had so many positive men in my life. I truly enjoyed the times my uncles came to visit! They loved me! They spoiled me! I was the shy child, so I guess they enjoyed my calmness.

There were some men (not really sure they deserve that title) who weren't so great in my life. You see, my shyness worked against me as well.

I was a very smart young girl. I won my school's spelling bee a number of times. I was in the gifted program. Three of my teachers wanted me to skip to the next grade. My parents decided not to do it, because it would have embarrassed my oldest sister for me to graduate from high school with her.

I was a shy, but an intelligent girl. I loved school! I am not sure how I made great grades and did the work I did though. Maybe I was afraid of what would happen at home if I hadn't.

I can remember being in second grade. I'd never gotten in trouble in school. However, this particular day was different. A little girl in my class passed me a note. The note had a few bad words on it. So, I responded with a few bad words. Hey, that's what I'd hear at home! One of my aunts used colorful language in almost every sentence! It was the norm for me. It's what I learmed!

We got caught passing the letter back and forth. Oh boy! My nerves kicked in, because I knew it meant a trip to the principal's office! The principal called my dad. Gosh, I wish I'd begged her not to do so, but I was too shy to say anything. The fact that she called him to come get me while he was working made things 10 times worse.

On the drive home, dad was eerily calm. I was so afraid. As soon as we got in the house, he unplugged an extension cord, called me in the room and beat me until blood ran down my legs. I am 44 years old and I still have external and internal scars from many of the same types of fate.

I used to think my dad hated me. A couple of years ago, my oldest sister told me the same thing. He beat me worse than he did any of my siblings. You see. Whenever he'd physically abuse my mom, I was the only child brave enough to go in the room to fight him. One day, I went to fight him and he picked me up, threw me in the wall and continued beating my mom. I got up and went back to fight some more. I felt I had to protect her! I have a great relationship with my dad now!

Physical abuse was just one layer of the cake. The sexual abuse was the icing! Adults are always right! Right?! So, what my cousin did was okay because he was an adult. I wouldn't dare question an adult!

My "aunt" lived way out in the country! She was actually my cousin, but, growing up, I couldn't call adults by their first names. So, we had to give her a title. She was also like my mom's sister. So, "aunt" was okay with me.

We'd visit her quite often. During several visits, her brother would be there. He'd come from Tifton, GA. I never knew his real name. We called him "Man." I will tell you I was never so happy to find out someone died in my life until he died! He was so ugly man with most of his teeth missing! All I remember were his rotten teeth and pink gums.

So, "Man" loved hanging outside with the children! I am not sure why nobody picked up on the fact that he'd disappear whenever we went outside. At one point, I didn't want to go outside anymore. My aunts and mom would yell at me and force me to go outside "with the other kids." I wish I was brave enough to tell them why! Instead, I went outside like a good little girl.

There his nasty behind was...hiding on the side of the house waiting. I tried to avoid looking his way, but when he called me over, I had to obey him, because adults are always right.

"Man" would stick his nasty tongue in my mouth. I'd go vomit after he left me alone. I had my first orgasm from my own trifling cousin! He was my mom's age! He'd stick his hands in my pants and rubbed down there until it happened! I was so happy he died, because his nasty behind would never take another child's innocence again!!! I didn't tell my mom until I was in my late 30s.

"Man's" sexual abuse continued for years. Once I became a teen, I thought that was the last of it! Nope!

Once my parents divorced, we were poor, so Mom would send us walking to many places. There's one particular store I'd beg her not to go to! But, like a good little girl, I obeyed and went to the store. There, the owner of the store (an older man) would flirt with me. The flirting eventually turned into him walking me out as I left. He'd rub on my breasts and feel between my legs as he kissed me in my mouth! Here I go again!!! Why me?!!!

My shyness was a blessing and a curse! I'd endure more abuse in other forms for years to come.

I want to leave you with a few things. Listen to your children! Protect them! Watch the changes in them! Be mindful of the adults who are always going outside to follow them! Teach them to advocate for themselves. And, by all means, stop telling your children "Adults are always right!" We are not!!!

I hope my story has helped someone else. I refuse to remain silent anymore!

This is me!

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