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The BIGGEST Loser

At 8:20 a.m. I received a message, "She's gone. My BFF is gone. OMG" Once again, I was speechless. Although my friend told me yesterday that they'd taken her off of life support, I held onto hope that she'd make it through! She didn't though. She didn't.


Sooner or later I'll write something in her memory. That's what was asked of me, so I will honor my word. ❤


Tonight, I want to take this post somewhere else though. It's MY turn to be in the hot seat!


Since Mom died, I have fallen out with three friends...one last year and two in January. As soon as they were gone, I'd pretend to be okay with their absence. I'd act unbothered by saying, "The biggest 'L' I took in life was the loss of my mother. Losing a friend is a small thing to a giant!"


Boy, was I wrong!


Today, shortly after I'd gotten the texts about the death, I received a message saying, "Girl did you see what PR said?" Now, when you see "Girl" at the beginning of a statement, you already KNOW it's about to be some mess!


I didn't respond to the message, because I was in a different space at the time. I put my phone down instead and continued about my business for a few hours. However, curiosity killed the cat! What did I do? You guessed it! I read the post!


Now, at first I laughed and kept it moving, but as the day went on, it was bothering me! Why? Because I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I FELT my character was being assassinated!


I sent my friend a message telling her I was about to write a post and entitle it, "LOSer!" She called me and had her husband talk me off the ledge. I agreed with him! The best response was no response. So, I hung up and kept it moving.


Well, actually, as soon as I hung up, I typed my response to the post in my phone and copied it under the status. I also downloaded two pictures and made a collage with three more. I was ready to respond!


I waited about 30 minutes, but the longer I waited, the longer it ate me up! Here I was having apologized twice and all he could think to do was to attack me instead. So, here I go!


I posted the comments and blocked him! I knew the comments couldn't be deleted from his page once I blocked him. I knew it would force him to either hide or delete the post.


Y'all, I was winning!!!


But why did I feel like the loser?


I shouldn't have responded! My friend was being messy by bringing it to my attention! I had moved on!


Y'all, being candid and vulnerable, every night before I go to sleep, I look around and wonder why I am in a huge house alone. Now, don't get me wrong, moving was necessary! However, I've come to the realization that I push people away! Maybe, I don't want people getting close to me! Maybe I don't want to deal with another death! Maybe I lose a piece of me when I lose people who were once in my life!


People call me daily. I don't answer. They text me and send me messages through Messenger, I pretend I don't see them. They want to come over, I make excuses!


I'm winning in my professional life and losing in my personal! I pretend to be okay, but I am not! I get lonely at times, but it's by choice! I joke to make others happy while struggling to find my own happiness.


Thank you to those who keep reaching out to me in spite of my pushing you away! Y'all don't know what I go through, because I won't let anybody in!


Thank you, Ronnda, for forgiving me and for always "putting your eyes on me" to ensure I am okay. You, my sister my friend, have been a real jewel since Mom died!


Connie, I love you to pieces! One day, I hope we can pick up where we left off. I know I miss our laughter and tears! We watched our babies grow before our lives! So, I am sure we'll come back together in due time. My hope is that it doesn't come too late!


Los, today shouldn't have happened! It's truly hurtful and sad that 11 years are down the drain when all it took was effective communication. I can't apologize anymore though. I've done it twice; both were sincere. I'm done fighting. I don't have it in me anymore!


One day, I'll be back to my normal, loving, extroverted self. Until then, I will continue working to get to that place.


This is me: #Real #Raw #Uncut

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